freewrite

Patriarchy seems to be where are the issues in my problems are leveled.

men, God, Love. (Since God is supposedly male , everytime I am talking bout God is interchangeable with a man/men in my life and vice versa)

freewrite from todays training sess

About the Men

Pre-existence-

They told me that you would make trgedies out of all my hope and rigid perseverance

I do not listen. They told me you were male. I saw me in you. I will always be confused about where I fit on the gender spectrum

Age 12- between now and the last time

You have exposed me to a lot of ugly.

Before I was six I knew about sex

and wont know why until im 15

in the newest old neighborhood

you lifted up my shirt

to expose what was under there

as if to say

I am in fact a woman

I saw you try to cut my mother’s throat

You are leaving now taking everything with you

except the disconcerting assurance that you will be back

Age 18- it was either all you

or you and him between us

but God,

if that’s what they still call you.

You sulked and soaked into the thing that is ‘us’

I wanted to trust you again.

I always get what I want

in the worst way

Age 20- stranded, I wonder if you listen anymore.

the questions I have for you all come out like curses

25- you are no where to be found

30- I start thinking about not looking anymore

35- every laugh is a sacrifice of my heart. I smile to not hurt anymore

it breaks me

40- I stop reading. I do not speak, do not cry. Forgot how to pray

45- my feet are pretty now

from all the walking I refuse to do

there’s a certain beauty that comes when all the hope is drained out of you

50- I wouldn’t recognize you if I saw you,

I am too pretty now

20- I’m still writing silly poems like somehow they can make this less true.

Dear God

Today I hate how ugly you made me.